Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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