That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
