just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
