I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
