She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
