So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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