We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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