i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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