She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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