I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
