Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
