I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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