i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
