Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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