I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
