i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
