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12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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