just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
