Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
