Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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