Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
