Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
