Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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