How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
