Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
