I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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