My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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