We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
