i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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