She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Did I show you my penis last night?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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