Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
