he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
