He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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