She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
