what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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