Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
