I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
