Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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