my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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