After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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