if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
