Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
