You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
