I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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