We're like a lot better than the average bears
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Damn victory sex feels great
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
