if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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