I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
