I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
