I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
