I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
