He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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