Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
